With only a hint of self mockery
by Mesopotamia
Summary: Parody of Haldir&girl gets dropped into ME fics. Only one chapter. Supposed to be humorous. If your eyes bleed, please consult a doctor. This short ficlet isn't quite THAT bad.....at least I don't think so.


So I was sitting alone at a nearby café, watching the students walk by. My next class wasn't for the next four hours so I could relax. I hated Macroeconomics so much. SO MUCH. The professor just rambled on and on. I truthfully don't even know why I go to that class. The man teaches out of that damn 90 dollar textbook!

Suddenly, I felt it. It arose in my nose and I twisted the strap of my carrier bag.

I was going to sneeze and holy crap where was a tissue when you needed one...

I felt it building. This was going to be messy. Spotting tissues I dashed for them, but alas I did not make it for I suddenly sneezed and blacked out.

* * *

I opened my eyes as I came to.

"What in the hell...?" I said aloud as I sat up, looking around. I was in a forest. I touched my nose and looked at my hand, no snot, no brains, no blood. Phew.

'That was quite a sneeze,' I thought as I stood up, still clutching the strap of my carrier bag.

Suddenly realizing I was nowhere near my campus, I started to panic, unsure of whether to scream for help or sit here and wait for someone to find me. But how had I gotten here in the first place?

Suddenly a thought came to me. Oh dear Lord...was I kidnaped and raped? I mean, I do go to school in the city...but in broad daylight? And dropping me off in a place full of golden trees?

Golden trees? Golden leaves? What the...? There are no trees like this in my state! I mean, maybe if they were owned by some rapper or if they were doused by some weird chemical, then I could believe it, but my state has no rappers and I didn't sense any toxic vibe going on. It just looked like a really really pretty forest.

My heart sank as the realization hit me. I'm...I'm...I'm in Middle Earth!

I'm one of those annoying girls that gets put into Middle Earth and then falls in love with that guy...what's his name... Oh who cares! Lord of the Rings sucks, although my friend Becka is a huge fan and writes fan-fiction about girl's falling randomly into Middle Earth and talks nonstop about that one elf guy. Damn...what's his name!

I suddenly wondered if I was in some weird story and then suddenly grew angry. I couldn't have been in a car accident or had abusive parents or some other dramatic way of getting here? NO! I had to SNEEZE!

Grumbling angrily to myself, I took out a cigarette and lit it with my lighter, buzzing as I stood up and started walking aimlessly. The air was fresh here. Too fresh. I was much more used to the polluted grime that I breathed everyday and thus decided that my smoking was only for the best.

I was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and was glad for it because it was starting to get quite chilly as I kept walking, knowing that at any second, a bunch of hot, blond, blue-eyed white elf dudes dressed in tights would encircle me with arrows and bows pointed at me even if they saw that I wasn't armed and was merely a human girl. I sighed. This was sooo predictable since I had read almost every one of Becka's stories, including the ones she forced me to read that she claimed were "sooooo good!" Personally, I thought her writing was shit, but I really didn't want to tell her because it was kind of her world and such. I'm a cold bitch but I'm not that much of a cold bitch.

Then I started to think, why would they surround a stupid human girl with arrows? I mean, it just seems so dumb. It's like if a bug crawled into the forest, they'd all surround it and ask for it's business and if the bug refused to answer, then they'd release they're arrows, happy to have saved Lorien, one insect at a time.

Seriously though, if one looks at me, I am no threat. Hell, I'm not in the best shape of my life. At this point, I've been walking so much and smoking so much that I can barely catch my breath. Some threat I am.

'So where are you idiots?' I thought, getting annoyed because I knew, I KNEW it was going to happen.

I looked down at my feet as I walked and suddenly heard a "Halt!" Right on time boys...

And just as I said earlier, a bunch of hot, blond, tall, grey-eyed white elf dudes dressed in tights encircled me with arrows and bows pointed at me even if they saw that I wasn't armed and was just a human girl. Ugh. This was so dumb.

The tallest and strongest looking one glared down at me.

"You have entered the realm of-," but I didn't let him finish.

"Legolas!" I suddenly cried out. "Oh my gosh I love you!" Well, this worked in Becka's fics...

"I am Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien" he gave me a strange look. "I am not Prince Legolas."

"Haldir!" I cried. Whoa! No way! "Didn't you die!"

"What?" he continued to stare at me, looking quite disturbed. "No I did not die!"

"You totally did!" I insisted.

"I did not die!" he growled.

"You did!" I continued, "At Helms Deep? Remember? Saruman's army had that bomb thingy and they blew it up and then Aragorn held you like he was your lover for a few minutes and was really sad?"

He didn't seem to follow. "The war was long ago," he said impatiently. "I assure you, I was not there. And Aragorn was not my lover! Now please..."

"No, I'm serious!" I was not giving up. "I was forced to watch that stupid movie like a billion times IN THEATERS, mind you. I probably saw it like 8 times in theaters. Let's see, that's like 8 bucks a ticket times 8. I wasted 64 dollars and you're telling me I'm wrong?"

"I do not understand anything that you are saying, small one," he looked a bit put out. "Now please, tell me the reason of your trip."

"You're supposed to be dead," I shivered. "Doesn't that freak you out?" I saw this dude _die! _Eight times too! Alright, so he didn't exactly look anything like Craig Parker, but still. Close enough!

"My patience grows thin," Haldir growled, "I will tell you once more that I am not supposed to be dead and you will tell me your purpose."

"Ok, mister supposed to be dead but I'm in denial," I sighed and ignored his angry look, "I was drinking my coffee, sitting at the café, when I sneezed. Yes, that's right. I freakin sneezed. _That's _how I got here."

There was silence and then another elf spoke.

"You _sneezed_?" he gave me a weird look.

"Yes," I said, exasperated. How many times did I have to repeat it. And then, there was an eerie sound. It grew louder. And louder. And louder.

Those freakin tight-wearing bastards (this is the part where Becka would have screamed "THEY'RE LEGGINGS!")! They were laughing at me. They were laughing at _me. _And their laughing sounded ugly too.

"Now what is just so freakin funny?" I glared, my hands on my hips.

Haldir tried to still his laughing.

"That's- gasp-that's so," he couldn't seem to catch his breath and then suddenly let it out all in one word, "pathetic!"

My face blanched. "What!"

"A sneeze?" he laughed. "I mean, I've talked to girls who have been abused, hit by cars, mauled by furbies, but a sneeze? Come on!"

"Oh, well sorry I couldn't do better!" I growled, cursing whoever made this up.

"Well now that you're here," he continued, an ethereal light shining down upon him. "I suppose you want to enter our beloved city of light, the most beautiful city in all of-."

"Not really," I shrugged and the ethereal light flickered and went out. All eyes turned to me.

"But...but...no one ever rejects an invitation to the city," he stared at me incredulously. "You will come along."

"And meet Glandriel?" I scoffed. "No thanks. I saw how freaky she was in the first movie and that was weird. I mean, she totally went psycho on Frodo. Don't you remember the whole 'Instead of a dark lord you shall have a queeeen! Bahhhhhh!' Yea, no thanks."

"Do not speak of the Lady of Light as such!" Haldir suddenly got very close to my face.

"Whoa, dude," I pushed myself away from him (this was from an attempt to push him away, but he didn't budge). "The kissing isn't until the later chapters when we've had some time to get to know each other and explore the city. Then you get assigned to take care of me as punishment (or vice versa) and we fall in love. I stay in the city forever and have your babies. How does that sound?"

"There will be no later chapters!" He growled. "This is a one chapter fic!"

I gasped. So it was. I had better hurry then.

"Ok so off we go?" I sighed.

"We are to take you to Lady Galadriel," the elf speaking gritted his teeth and annunciated every letter of her name.

"You're taking me to Lady Galadriel?" I scoffed. "She's not here, bozo! She's in Valinor!"

"I assure you, she is here," he growled as he pushed me forward. We had started to walk.

"No really!" I cried. "Becka made me see Return of the King like a billion times and Lady Galadriel went with her bitch Celeborn, Bilbo and Frodo and Gandalf to the undying lands! Remember? I hated that ending just because they had those sudden blackouts and you thought the movie was over but then it wasn't and you had to sit back down again! That was so annoying."

"I am sure it was not quite as annoying as you," he said from behind. "Cease your talking. You do want to get to the city, don't you?"

I sighed. "Sure, let's go," I said, "I have nothing better to do. Plus, then I'll prove to you that Galadriel isn't there."

So they walked in unison. A bunch of perfect soldiers. It was scary.

Finally, after a billion years of walking and a few rest breaks later (damn cigarrettes), we came to a huge gate. I gaped at it as it towered over me and suddenly felt really small. Or smaller, anyways since the elves were also much taller than me. Hell, everyone is! I'm 5'2!

The gates opened and the elves started to march forward. I however, did not notice them moving, and was merely standing there still looking at the gate, my mouth slightly open. One of them pushed me and I looked back to give him a good cold glare and moved on.

'Let me guess, I'm going to the dungeons now,' I thought to myself.

"We are to take you to the dungeons and then when the Queen requests your attendance, we will escort you," Haldir said. I sighed and muttered "yea, yea." This was almost too predictable.

I walked into the dungeon and they closed the door behind me. It was pitch black except for the little light that shone underneath the door. I touched the floor and it seemed wet and dirty. No way in hell was I sitting down! But my legs were tired so I just gave in.

I didn't realize I was that tired because I had fallen asleep on the floor and apparently rolled around in the dirt. I could feel the filth clinging onto me and opened my eyes to darkness.

Oh...dear...Lord...My contacts felt like sandpaper. And this is what I got for never carrying around any solution. How the hell was I supposed to take them out? I'd be blind practically!

But on the other hand, they were really painful! I sighed as my problem was solved for me. After blinking nonstop the contacts that just dropped out of my eyes.

Great. Now it was dark AND blurry.

Suddenly the door swung open...which is bad because I was sitting right in front of it. I groaned and rubbed my leg.

"Ow!" I cried, "Watch it!" But the guard's eyes displayed no mercy as they grabbed me and pulled me down the hallway. Everything whizzed by my in a blur as we walked quickly to...where ever they were taking me. I wasn't blind. I could see a bit, but not very much detail unless it was more than 5 feet in front of me.

Finally after a lot of walking (no wonder these elves are so thin!), they led me inside a huge room which was decorated very lavishly, although most of it was just a golden blur.

"Hello!" I said. My echoes were the only ones that answered me. "Hey! It echoes!"

Anyways, everyone in the room was glaring at me (or everyone that I could see was glaring at me).

I curtsied (and bowed just to be on the safe side) and smiled up at the Lady Galadriel. I looked over at Haldir who seemed to have a scary face, but then I couldn't see him very well. He was probably gloating.

'I'll show him!' my thoughts were evil at the moment.

Galadriel did not return my smile so I frowned at her. Actually, I didn't know if she was smiling or not since I could not really see since she was about 10 feet away so I had to ask.

"Are you smiling at me, your highness?" I asked in a very sweet voice.

"No,"she answered in a mean way.

"Fine!" I said and then frowned. "Well you shouldn't even be here!"

"I shouldn't?" she sounded a bit surprised.

"No!" I cried. "_You_ should be in Valinor!"

She screamed as she disappeared into thin air. I was now content and I was smiling.

My gaze flew to Haldir who was looking at me in horror.

"I told you so, didn't I, _Whoredir_," I taunted. Alright so it was a cheap shot, but still. I was right dammit!

He too, screamed as he keeled over and died. As did about 200 other elves in the city.

"Well this is just lovely," I stood in almost utter silence. "This is the end of the fic, isn't it? I'm going to be here forever, aren't I?"

Suddenly, a big ethereal voice dominated the landscape. "You idiot!" it roared. "You RUINED my fic!"

I paused for a moment. The voice sounded familiar. And then...

"Becka?" I screamed. "You put me in this? But why?"

"I wanted you to fall in love with Haldir because I've started writing Haldir fics instead of Legolas ones!" she moaned. "And now you ruined it! You ruined my first Haldir fic!"

"Er...sorry," I said. "But will you please get me out of here? I mean, my contacts fell out and everything!"

"You deserve to stay there!" Becka pouted.

"Listen Becka, don't make me turn this into an NC-17, ok?" I glared.

"But...but those are banned at FF dot net!" she cried. "You wouldn't!"

"Wouldn't I?" an evil gleam shone in my eyes as I stalked over to a dead and now completely nude Haldir.

"Okay okay!" she yelled as I started to kneel next to Haldir.

In the next few seconds, I was in her room.

The End

* * *

A/N: I realize that I also completely mock myself and my own writing but I felt a bit bored and wrote this up. It was actually written a year ago but I had to change it since this was more focused around Legolas and making fun of his prissy ass. Hope it was enjoyable at the least. A few friends encouraged me to post it so I am. 


End file.
